Practiced Abandon

She wants me to be myself and pass me on to someone else
Always someone else; that special, somewhere else
She loves my attention but she does not love me
Wants to enjoy who I am but not completely
There's someone else, to be sure, loves me
I am told this to reassure me but really to exonerate herself

Oh she loves to hear my voice and the words that it bears
That flatter her ears and soothe her hurts and cares
She loves my intent but she does not love me
Wants to find love but apart from me
Promises someone else so I'll let her be
All this in hopes to spare me from the nothing that is there

She wants me to find what I need but once she's had her fill
Once my words seem empty and her heart has stilled
She loves my time but she does not love me
She is now satisfied so I am left in need
Of that special someone else awaiting me
I have been abandoned but I must applaud her for her skill

Code of Conduct

t has taken approximately one week longer than anticipated to publish the "simple" watch movie I programmed and illustrated using Macromedia Flash. The original post explaining my effort is here.

am generally satisfied and came to the crossroad of whether to fiddle and tweak it endlessly until I had exhausted all refinement or actually release something to the public. The latter is a drastic departure for me. As I am generally pleased that the movie is not "clunky" and awkward and simulates the sleek and smooth functioning of the real watch made by Breitling to a fairly high degree I have taken a bold new step for me and published. I hope to continue in this vein from here on so that my writing and other creative efforts will be seen by their intended audiences. I have a tendency to want something to be perfect before allowing others to be involved. The consequence of that has been that essentially nothing I begin ever is completed or allowed to sink or swim on its own merits.

any of my creative and artistic friends suffer from the same malady. We are also often confronted with the reveal by someone else of many ideas which we had and, frankly developed further, but stand by helplessly because they profited from exposure while we merely wrestled with our demons. I am trying to break that cycle. Thus, warts and all, I have made myself vulnerable to criticism by posting my less than perfect work in the right sidebar. I had to remind myself that my desire to create this small work was for the express purpose of sharing it. For once, I have not lost sight of the main objective. All of the stopwatch functions work. The clock shows the date and time of day where I live. In this way, regardless of where you are in the world or no matter the time of day or night of your viewing my posts you will be made a little more intimately involved directly with my life experience. That's really a goal in my writing in the first place. I want to connect more directly with my readers. I consider my desire to make contact with you was more important than making the perfect watch simulation. But, in my communication as well as future program tweaks I will always strive to improve both.

Three Bolts, Two Clamps, and One Hose

hree bolts, two clamps, and one hose were all that prevented me from simply getting in my car and heading in any direction to any location I wished. How much does one need to prepare and concern oneself with such trivial things? Much more often and with greater care, it would seem. Most of the events of our lives are dependent upon items so common that they seldom catch our notice until they oppose our desires. Then the simple element with a simple function complicates the course of our day, consumes our hours, squanders our minutes; frustrates our plans. The details overlooked seed the clouds of circumstances that overwhelm. The smallest thing demands its due recognition. There are no skipped steps and no details so insignificant that may be neglected.

t is the same with writing. All of the rules of style and format and spelling and grammar and punctuation are only the foundation. If one is to write a truly human work there can not be the luxury of skimming over the little things. One hose failed and confined me to a two day sentence of imprisonment. Not only did I have to contend with the failed component but also the failed maintenance schedule, budget, preparation, grocery shopping, and attention to the little details of cause and effect. Then there was the assessment of the ways and means to navigate a problem that had been the result of another human being’s imagination. Every method that could resolve the failure had to satisfy the conditions inherited by me from the design and assembly of some unknown hand.

here is always trial and error, and despite the naturally great distaste for failure, it must be given its due. There is a part of me that recognizes – that actually knows and has admitted – that I do not learn much at all from success. My tuition has been in the failing. I need to remind myself of these things as I write. I need to make certain in my stories that I plan for failure more than the characters realize success. All of those elements of anticipation mingled with denied gratification are necessary to bring that delicious tension to the work which draws in the reader. Like the necessary uncertainty that comes as a stringed instrument is strained and tuned to pitch as to whether it will break or hold, I need to slowly give the work that one, last, critical twist. I think I am going to strive to bait the reader with the false belief held by the whole human race that mankind is fundamentally good and that good always prevails. Then I shall let the details rip that fallacy to shreds. The truth I would like to confront my audience with is that mankind is basically flawed and all good comes from concerted strain and effort against the natural order of chaos.

ven after I had bled and bruised myself from the strain and contortions that I had no choice but to go through in order to replace that hose there was no assurance I had been successful. Sometimes, doubt, is a powerful motivator. Was the replacement secretly flawed? Had another of those little details escaped my view and was it possible I had damaged the very thing I had endeavored to mend? Were those clamps positioned to maximize their effectiveness in securing that hose to its couplings? Did I tighten those three bolts in any combination of too loose or too tight – anything other than correctly? Was it all for show or was it good to go?

hat uncertainty is the very thing I want my readers to feel when they risk driving off in the work of my hands and the vehicle of my imagination.

Code Violations

y current audience consists of two people other than myself. That's fine. This is not one of those blogs where you go to get entertained by a broadcast of telling moments from someone's day. Hopefully, at some future date, it will become a little more like that. Should I have any success as an author, I may be able to tell little anecdotes about meetings with publishers or publicists. I secretly desire to travel to certain spots in the world as inspiration for my work. So, those experiences would be enjoyable, I think.

or the present and foreseeable future, however, I will be mostly journaling about my meandering thoughts and maybe I'll glean some insights from my own conclusions. I'm not expecting any amazing revelations but I am leaving the door open to be surprised. I've really been distracted and uninspired this week. I chased after some email conversations, diverted my time and attention with focus on my other blog (an alter-ego rant festival) and jumped into a little exercise in frustration trying to develop a widget for decorating the sidebar column of this blog page. No. You needn't get caught up in looking for it as it hasn't materialized, yet. I am extremely close but I'm working out flaws in several people's reasoning, including my own. Suffice it to say that if I complete the little gizmo, and execute the presentation properly, there'll be no celebration by anyone seeing it. It will most likely be taken for granted. I suppose that will represent success to me because although the idea is simple the development has not been.

will insist it is a valid exercise because programming is another form of writing that takes practice and skill and is not for everyone. To be able to code, in any programming language, is akin to being able to compose a musical score. That's another pursuit of mine but we'll save that for another day. The challenge in writing software is that the success or failure is much more readily on display than in other forms of authoring. There are only a few places where one may cheat or fall back on comfortable crutches in technique or presentation. Even plagiarism does not work easily with software code. It really requires focus, discipline, and a willingness to be found wrong again and again without losing heart and giving up. Syntax is hugely significant. Spelling accepts no mistakes and there is no spell checker in most debugging tools. It is a great exercise for developing concentration, reason, and determination. Sometimes the discovery of the "right way" to bring your imagination to life is a work of art. There's beauty in the math and structure of the code. It's very intimate and very personal and no matter how much you gush over it while explaining enthusiastically to a non-participant it is going to remain a private affair. This may carry over positively into my novels and other forms of literary constructions. I suppose one really must enjoy what they are doing exclusively and finding anyone else to enjoy it is just a happy coincidence.

hat is an odd thought because I always have a unique someone or special group of someones in mind when I am writing. I am writing to please them and writing to them and writing for them. If I feel I am reaching my intended audience I grow enthusiastic and energized to continue. That's a weak motivation. One bad day or an off impression or even a misinterpretation of a person's reaction has the power to deter or detain or detract from my writing. I'm only realizing that at this moment and thinking how many days have gone by without an entry because I let my imagination of someone else's approval or disapproval interfere with my love of writing. I will need to make that realization a law not to be violated and set writing for the sake of writing as a precedent. There are rules to be broken and there are rules to embrace. I think I find fewer rules need to be broken than habits and attitudes, though. There must be an inviolate code that an author subscribes to in order to create and continue to create with purpose. Like any pursuit it is obvious that one can not allow them self to be diverted from their goal by negative and opposing influences. It 's just important to realize that the really negative and disingenuous notions most often are found from within and not from external sources. Ah, the suffering artist.

A Yawn, in Three Acts

he last thing I need to do is find another vehicle to reinforce my excuses for what I’m not writing. That’s not stopping me from exploring the cause and effect, here. I’m all hung up about the 3-Act format. I just don’t have the sort of contiguous mental processes that submit to a rigid structure. I am much happier just letting it fly and seeing if I can bring it in for a safe and satisfying landing. I can’t schedule the orderly flow of the story because I have only bits and pieces of knowing the personalities of my characters and only vague notions of an average day in their world.

y own story isn’t helping, either. I am dead smack in the middle of my own monotonous 3-Acts in real life. Well, not so much real as it is my life. I’m all about dreams and visions for select and specific details but I’m not the sort of person that daydreams about the happy world I’d like to find myself. I should have all the fodder I need if my motivation was to imagine an escape from my day-to-day. Many great stories have been birthed from that impetus. I just am not one to look back and wonder what-if I had taken another course. I know me too well. I took the course I would have taken nearly every time. I’m not a person that makes coin toss decisions. I assess the risk and go ahead and stomach the consequences. Then I whine about it ever after.

o I have a fundamental theme as far as a plot convention for my tale. I have given the nod to at least three characters as being caught up in the story. All of them are just too resigned to, more than content and accepting of, their circumstances. I think they’re behaving too much like me. I’m not getting a handle on two very critical elements. I am able to introduce the cast without any problem. Their basic drives and lifestyles are easy enough to present. I do not have a significant cause for them to champion. I don’t have any great challenge for them to surmount. They are all going about their business in the same clueless condition as me. That does not make for good reading. I don’t need a model of futility. This is unfortunate since the antagonist of my story is supposed to be so ordinary as to blend into the background but he is more dynamic than any of the other players. This wasn’t set out to be a clichéd accolade of the disturbed mind. Instead it’s becoming a loosely assembled map to my disturbed mind.

Law of the Land and the Rules of English

To some it is a comfort that the rules of language and grammatical usage are flexible and not as rigid as mathematical or universal constants. I find it a shame for two reasons. Firstly, some of the gray areas in effort would go away and leave that much more space for thought instead of caution while in pursuit of the ideal. Secondly, I love to defy concrete rules. So language has me at a disadvantage and I love words. The parallels to my status with and devotion to women are numerous. Really that makes sense as words are the currency with which we must demonstrate endless supply while frivolously spending them to gain favor. In writing as in love there are no guarantees that by pouring out one’s soul and expressing the most heartfelt thoughts that the message will be received as intended.

With that in mind I am interested in providing a few tools I have been extremely pleased to locate on the web. For as much facility as I try to maintain with the language I have gaps and some out-and-out mental bridges simply washed away. There are a couple instances that always snag my sleeve as I run through the forests of my ideas. The first is the usage of “then “ and “than.” This should not be all that difficult and yet . . . I get caught every now and again. So here is the easy way to distinguish the application of these two words:

"Then" indicates a change in state or progression, such as the example, "Do this then do that." This is a progression of events or time. "I started out walking, and then I jogged until the end of the course."

"Than" indicates a choice, such as, "I would prefer this one rather than that one." In other words, “Than” is used usually as a comparison or preference. "I'd rather walk than jog." Personally, I find to test the usage as to whether “than” is appropriate makes the decision easier.

Another bothersome sound-alike pair is “affect” and “effect.” For this I humbly defer to Paul Brians, of Washington State University. According to him,

“There are five distinct words here. When “affect” is accented on the final syllable (a-FECT), it is usually a verb meaning “have an influence on”: “The million-dollar donation from the industrialist did not affect my vote against the Clean Air Act.”

Occasionally a pretentious person is said to affect an artificial air of sophistication. Speaking with a borrowed French accent or ostentatiously wearing a large diamond ear stud might be an affectation. In this sort of context, “affect” means “to make a display of or deliberately cultivate.”

Another unusual meaning is indicated when the word is accented on the first syllable (AFF-ect), meaning “emotion.” In this case the word is used mostly by psychiatrists and social scientists— people who normally know how to spell it.

The real problem arises when people confuse the first spelling with the second: “effect.” This too can be two different words. The more common one is a noun: “When I left the stove on, the effect was that the house filled with smoke.” When you affect a situation, you have an effect on it.

The less common is a verb meaning “to create”: “I’m trying to effect a change in the way we purchase widgets.” No wonder people are confused. Note especially that the proper expression is not “take affect” but “take effect”—become effective. Hey, nobody ever said English was logical: just memorize it and get on with your life.

The stuff in your purse? Your personal effects.”

Rather than (Heh? See- see? I used it properly) attempt to provide proper descriptions, here, I will instead offer the links I found on the web. The Grand Daddy for all of these references is the University of Chicago Writing Program, GRAMMAR RESOURCES ON THE WEB. It is presented concisely and in good humor. Writing should be fun and these references make it exciting.

Gleaned from within that page are all of the sources I am currently depending on for accurate guidance. Paul Brians’s link is there but also here, Common Errors in English and another particularly intriguing resource that culled my attention was the Guide to Punctuation, Usage, and Grammar , by Marcus D. Rosenbaum and John Dinges.

These sites are likely addictive for those who may be like me and read the thesaurus for entertainment. I intend to revisit this post whenever I, or someone thoughtfully commenting, locate(s) additional or specialized resources. Enjoy!

Simple is (What's the word . . ?) Too Easy

have a personal confession to make. I love to focus on seemingly trivial details. Fortunately for someone such as me, I am living in an English speaking country, and America, which is even better for really mucking up the language. This luxury affords me endless hours of pleasure wincing at grammatical errors and equal dread for my own blunders. In ordinary conversation I have managed to avoid a great many phonetic aberrations that would betray the geographical area of my upbringing. Still, there is nothing in my speech that is unusual in comparison to those around me other than choice of verbiage. I have had several people ask if I am from England.

stopped reacting or even acknowledging the question years ago. I suppose that although I am perfectly happy to join in the banter with everyone else and employ the same language, when given the choice I opt for more exacting words. I also have a love for the melody associated with certain phrases. There’s just such a wonderful cadence to certain sounds and syllables strung together. I have a mild concern that my preoccupation (some would argue insistence) to ameliorate dialog will actually be detrimental to my writing. The reason this blog site is subtitled “Verbal Pyrotechnics” is due to that being the attribution of a college composition professor. Prior to reading one of my submissions he addressed the class with the disclaimer, “Try to get beyond the verbal pyrotechnics and appreciate what he is saying.” He was constantly engaged in a battle for me to use ordinary language. So many papers came back with red circles and chastisements exclaiming “ARCHAIC.” I tried to argue that the word was still valid and his retort was, “Only to you and Twelfth Century, English poets!”

evertheless I will guard against a good deal of the language I am comfortable using for the sake of the characters and even the narrative of my novels and other stories. I am exercising none of that in this missive because I still need a channel to let this stuff flow. The advantages of a blog is the freedom to just put oneself out there and kick off the shoes of rigor and civility and wiggle the toes a little. Besides, this forum presents me the opportunity to try a whole lot of things – that even if every one of them fails – I will benefit from the experience. This is a place to try experiments and test concepts and ideas. I hope it will knock both the rust as well as the unnecessary from my writing.